This was to be a post on generativity. Defined as a concern for future generations and how we might nurture and guide them, generativity, I read, is one of a few key behaviors leading to a fulfilling and happy older life. Seemed like an interesting topic to pursue, right?
My interest in generativity began while reading “the longest-running study on happiness,” a Harvard University study of 724 white men they’ve been following for 78 years.
It’s a bit of a digression, but if you have an extra 12 minutes, here is the study’s current director, Robert Waldinger, giving a TED talk bringing three of their findings to the public (starting about half way in). In any event, my post continues below.
My research on generativity brought me to Erik Erikson’s eight stages of development. Here’s that dog-eared poster we all had to memorize in Psych 101 class. Remember it?
You’ll see that generativity, for Erikson, is a feature of “Middle Age”– ages 35-65.
“Old age,” you’ll notice, begins for him at age 66! I’d not noticed this before. Of course I hadn’t; I was in “young adulthood” when I last read this. (Erikson’s widow and earlier collaborator, Joan Erikson, added a ninth stage to this original table. Good for her!) That’s when this post took a detour.
An entertaining article in The Huffington Post by Renee Fisher (When Does Old Age Begin?) tells me that when “old age” begins, depends on the age of who’s talking:
For 5-year-olds, old age begins at 13.
For 13-year-olds, old age begins at 30.
For 30-year-olds, old age begins at 50.
For 50-year-olds, old age begins at 75.
For 75-year-olds, never. And go away.
If you’ve been following my blog for awhile, you’ll know I don’t shy from telling people my age, when it’s pertinent. But there are stereotypes assigned to these numbers; so for now, let’s just say I don’t consider myself old, though I aspire to be. Why am I not yet old? That’s easy. There’s still much I want to experience, and to learn. My age, truly, is just a number.
I have good models from which to choose for this.
May Sarton wrote one of her essential-reading memoirs at seventy (not coincidentally entitled At Seventy), which I’m reading this year in eager anticipation. She also wrote At Eighty-two, and Endgame: A Journal of the 79th Year. I’m saving those for later.
And we all know about Grandma Moses, who first picked up a paintbrush at 75. Debra Eve’s periodic blog, LaterBloomer.com, focuses on such “later bloomer” success stories.
But let’s get back to the part of “old age” with which I have trouble. It’s not the label, it’s the assumptions that go with the label.
- Old people stoop.
- Worse, they have various digestive issues, each with its own idiosyncratic sound.
- They idealize the past and generally seem to have lost interest in the future.
- Old people despair of change.
- They move at a snail’s pace.
- Their stories wander off in digressions.
Well, I don’t stoop (do I?). I don’t give off idiosyncratic noises (that I’m aware of). And while I still claim to learn from my past and live in my present, I also have plans for the future. Many, in fact. Besides, I love to rearrange my furniture (much to Woody’s dismay). What better indicator can there be? (Buying hard avocados?)
Slowing down, however, holds great appeal. Particularly as it involves the pace of change around technology. Alvin Toffler (author of Future Shock, how the pace of change would quicken as we moved into the future) only scratched the surface!
You know what I’m talking about: you learn something about Office or Windows or Facebook or some other social media fad and within a month, it’s changed and you must learn it all over again. I may not be as bad as the grandma portrayed in the meme below, but still, I chafe at that.
Yes, slowing down has many advantages and I’m thinking they’ll make a good topic for a future post. I first learned about slowing down during my first yoga class, 37 years ago. My life in general slowed down then and many good things resulted — but that’s for that next book.
Oops, there I go wandering off again. Let’s get back to “old age” and what it means.
Viewing old age as a social construct (an idea created by society) has never been more appealing. Indeed, it is the meaning we assign to this term that holds the power for me.
First a little history.
Western civilization, of which I am a product, has reviled “old age” since the Olympics began in Greece, and Rome didn’t treat old people any better. In Medieval and Renaissance days, old age was seen as weak. Old people in Thomas More’s Utopia conveniently chose to wander off and die. Damn considerate of them, he thought. Maybe he didn’t say damn.
Ageism, unlike its forebears sexism, racism, and classism, is seldom talked about and rarely written about. In fact, a new concept, “successful aging,” currently has more posts in opposition to the term than in support of it. That’s our Western culture for you. If we were in the East — like Kazakhstan where Woody and I lived for two years — to be older is to be sought out, listened to, and valued.
But I’m a product of the West, and focused on finding the positives of, shall we say “growing older.” Here is my incomplete list:
My sense of what’s important has shifted. I care more about other people in general than I once did and less about what they think of me. This is unexpectedly freeing.
My thinking on “knowing” has shifted as well. I once wanted others to consider me the resident expert on something. No longer do I even aspire to “be right.” I find the affirmation, “I’d rather be happy than right” also freeing.
I’m more interested in asking the questions these days than in giving or even getting the answers, in having experiences more than reaching a goal. And I choose the people I hang out with accordingly. What are the questions that intrigue them, the experiences they enjoy?
Perhaps that’s why I love to hang out with the kids at my local elementary school each week, or my grandchildren whenever I can. Kids ask the best questions. They share with me a sense of wonder, of awe in the world around them. Is that at the core of what is meant by generativity? Perhaps. I really don’t know.
I’ll be adding to this list as the months go on. How about you? What can you add?
I’m remembering that old Clairol hair color commercial of decades ago: You’re not getting older, you’re getting better. And then they covered up her grey hair.
How about you? What’s your take on “old age?”
Merril Smith
Good morning, Janet. There is so much here in the post because it is a vast topic. As you point out “old age,” can mean so many things. People who were in their 60s seemed old to me when I was younger, but now, I certainly don’t feel old, just older.
My husband’s grandmother and my mom were about the same age, but his grandmother always seemed older–a different generation–than my mom. My didn’t seem “old” to me until she was in her 80s and started to have some health issues.
There are jokes about elderly people who don’t know technology and stuff, of course, but then there is Ruth Bader Ginsburg in her 80s and Betty White in her 90s–and politicians who hold power long after their minds begin to deteriorate.
This stood out for me: “My sense of what’s important has shifted. I care more about other people in general than I once did and less about what they think of me. This is unexpectedly freeing.”
I agree. While I can’t say that I totally don’t care what other people think, I am more inclined to let it go and just be myself.
OK–big subject, so I’ll stop here. 🙂
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Janet Givens
Thanks for adding those two great examples for us, Merril. I had included Clara Peller (the Wendy’s “Where’s the beef” octogenarian) but had enough and took her out. Yours, especially RBG, are a great addition. I’ve just spent the day going through OLD family photos with my mom and realize that even as a child, my grandmother was “Old” to me. What still strikes me is how unhappy most of them looked back then (though I know they had to hold still a long time for the camera) when all the old folks I know today are happy, joyous even; certainly smiling. An attitude thing. Isn’t it always? Thanks for popping in, and starting us off.
Marian Beaman
You hit all the right notes here, Janet. Before I retired from teaching, I read George Vaillant’s book Aging Well, containing the Harvard longitudinal study you refer to. The most important takeaway then: Let go of self-importance (as your position has defined you) but retain self-worth. My biggest worry then: What to do next. My concern is laughable now, since you know how that turned out – ha!
May Sarton inspires me, and so does Grandma Moses. Writer friends like you inspire me. My grandchildren too. In a reverse sort of generativity, my 14-year-old helped me set-up my Fitbit yesterday. Darn, I just couldn’t get the thing synched with bluetooth. He started out by saying, “There’s an easy fix.” Easy for him to say – ha!
In actuarial books, I probably classified as elderly, but I don’t feel old, old and have lots of plans for the future, a good thing, yes?
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Janet Givens
Funny you mention Aging Well, Marian. I have in on my shelf from years ago and had forgotten all about it. It would have made this post much easier to write had I simply remembered I had it!
I’m a huge proponent of the “it’s just a number” philosophy except when it comes to 12 year olds — I like to say those of us in our generation need to have one handy at all times just to keep the TV working and now all those other gadgets we feel obligated to attach ourselves to. (My mom got a fitbit for her birthday; my son set it up).
I don’t think you’d qualify as elderly in the John Hancock Insurance company’s “life expectancy tool.” When I filled it out they have me living to 100! Here’s the link
https://www.johnhancockinsurance.com/life/life-expectancy-tool.aspx
They have another little quiz assessing your “Vitality Age” — Check them out. Lots of resources out there. Fun
Tim Fearnside
Janet, having just turned 50, I take serious issue with those 30-year old whippersnappers who’ve apparently decided to lump me into the “old age” category, lol. For what it’s worth, I do think the “age scales” have shifted, or at least we can “shift” them if we elect to. When I was a kid, fifty truly was much “older” than it is today, and I don’t believe that was merely my child perception. Many, if not most, couples I knew had entered grandparenthood by that age. Few, if any, exercised regularly or took particularly good care of their bodies. Many had already begun their decline, and it was common for people (particularly men) to pass away in the ’60’s or earlier.
This is still true for many, but I also see many examples of people who are doing much better today — who eat and live healthier, exercise, are socially engaged and active, and seem to be showing few signs of slowing down. I often see people older than me on the trails while out mountain biking or cross country skiing, including more than a few who can put me to shame. This would have been rare and almost unfathomable fifty years ago.
For what it’s worth, Janet, I see you living a long and productive life. Your energy, enthusiasm, civic engagement, curiosity, and compassion bode well, and are a good model to follow. Salut!
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Janet Givens
Hi Tim,
I agree that better nutrition and a better appreciation of exercise factor into holding “old age” at bay. But I’m also thinking suddenly how the difference in ages seems to diminish as we get older. Woody (who is ten years my senior) and I often chuckle that he was having his first child the year I graduated from grammar school. It would not have worked for us to get together back then! Even in my 20s, a ten-year span felt a bit much. But as I get older, those spans do shrink; at least their salience in relationships. Thanks. I’ll add that to my list of “positives of growing up.” And thank you for your very kind words. According to that little quiz from John Hancock I shared with Marian (above), I’m living to 100.
Laurie Buchanan
Janet — Oh what an interesting post. I turned 60 last September, and by some people’s measuring sticks, I must be decrepit. The list of assumptions that go with the label “old” simply aren’t accurate.
Like you, my sense of what’s important (and what’s no longer important) has shifted. And while I may have more years in the rearview mirror than I do out the windshield, the time ahead is going to be amazing. I’m a huge advocate of preventive medicine and self-care. It’s one of the best gifts my husband and I give each other. Further, we think of it as a gift to our adult son. Our goal is for him to never have to make “elder-care” decisions for either one of us.
Recently our mutual friend, Shirley Hershey Showalter, shared a quote on her blog from George Bernard Shaw:
“I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the community, and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. Life is no ‘brief candle’ to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for a moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to the future generations.”
I live each moment to the fullest and plan to be “thoroughly used up when I die!”
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Janet Givens
What a beautiful commentary on what’s important, Laurie. Thank you.
I loved your “more years in the rearview mirror than I do out the windshield” and hope to steal it from you at some point.
And thank you for sharing the Shaw quote from Shirley’s blog. The grandmother-humanist in me says “What a beautiful sentiment,” while the political hack in me says “Shirley’s showing her socialist-commie-pinko side and will be booted out of the new and improved USofA any day now.” (an act which I will of course protest).
For all of us, here’s to continuing to live each day to the fullest.
Pamela
I LOVE this post and I’m so enjoying reading the comments by everyone here. Although, so far, I don’t think anyone younger than 50 has weighed in. (By the way, yes, I DO remember Erikson’s chart, and had no problem at the time with the start of old age at 65. Ye gad, that was OLD.) Now, now I realize that old is as old does. In other words, I know people who act old when they’re 50, complaining of aches and pains, calling themselves “old,” eating unhealthily, never exercising. If we went by them, everyone is old starting at 50. Today I took a friend out for lunch at a hip restaurant in a nearby town. She’s 97. She hopped up on a bar stool (no tables left for lunch), ordered a salad with apples and walnuts, and watched the scene with sparkling eyes. If we go by my friend Bette’s actions, old probably starts after 100.
Me? I hope to never be old. 🙂
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Janet Givens
How lucky you both are to have each other in your lives. Thanks for popping in, Pamela. I did hear one definition of old age that made sense: “the years after your life expectancy age.” And, since it appears my new life expectancy is now 100, I’m OK with that definition. 🙂
My Take on Old Age | Stevie Turner, Indie Author.
[…] excellent post by Janet Givens asks ‘What does old age really mean?’. As somebody speaking from the experience of […]
Janet Gogerty
In our immediate family my 91 year old mother is the only one of her generation left; while she’s still alive and I’m going to Boogie Bounce I don’t feel old! Most friends my age and our older friends are bursting with creativity or busy with energetic pursuits; that makes you feel so alive and if your interests include the need to constantly learn and keep up there is always something new over the horizon. All this is all very well, if you are well; serious illness or disability for yourself or your partner can change things suddenly; we all hope to delay the time when rounds of hospital appoitments replace painting class and aquarobics!
Janet Givens
You raise such an important point about health, Janet. Thank you. It’s something I’m enormously grateful for. You do the Boogie Bounce? It hurts my back just hearing the name. But I’ve gone back to swimming a few times a week. Hoping that’ll help limber me up.
So glad you joined us.
Janet Givens recently posted…Old Age: What’s it really mean?
Elaine Mansfield
Janet, I have a degenerative disease. My posture is erect, I move fast, and my digestion is fine, but I began losing my hearing in 1996. I’d never heard of Meniere’s Disease which was the diagnosis after many years. I managed it well until about 4 years ago, but now I’ve let go of movies, concerts, noisy restaurants, and all sorts of things. I still don’t let it stop me, but it limit what I do. I’m grateful for many things I love that don’t depend on hearing–writing and more writing, reading, walking in the forest, volunteering at hospice, visiting with friends and family in quiet backgrounds. It forces me to stay focused in the worlds where I’m still strong, but I miss music and the sound of an owl or coyotes in the night. I miss the ease of traveling when I could understand what was said over the loud speakers. I’m doing OK even though my body is falling apart in this private, invisible way–and I’m still grateful for this life.
Janet Givens
Elaine, thank you so much for mentioning these challenges you have. And meet. You have reminded me once again how grateful I am that the few things I suffer from are relatively benign. My husband, on the other hand . . . Woody has been losing his hearing steadily the past few years. He chaffs at wearing his hearing aids regularly and I’ve noticed many of the things you’ve mentioned. I’ve had to learn to look directly at him when speaking, which I often forget. I see how it takes both courage and trust to deal with a body that isn’t as dependable as it once was. I love your attitude. You are an inspiration. Thank you for joining us.
susan scott
Age and aging … such a complex topic Janet! The western world places a high premium on youth and beauty and the elderly can be sidestepped. But there is more and more recognition of the value of the elderly and their contribution to society. Here in South Africa, the elderly in the black population play a significant role (in very difficult circumstances) in looking after grandchildren while their parents are working or may have died due to Aids.
I guess we all have challenges as we age – we have to consider our inevitable death for one thing. Somehow this ‘final’ stage looms more large …
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Janet Givens
Thank you for stopping by Susan, and welcome. I’m thrilled to have a new voice from a foreign land.
Your comment reminds me that here in the US we too have subcultures in which the elderly continue to play a vital role. I wonder if they think of themselves as old though?
Again, welcome.
Bernadette Laganella
Hi Janet, Thanks so much for taking the time to join the Senior Salon. I enjoyed reading this post and the follow up comments. Your summation sentence will stay with me for a long time. I will mull over how to own my age and yet keep evolving as a person.
Janet Givens
Thank you Bernadette and welcome. I’m so glad this resonated with you.
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Scott
To me, “old age” means wisdom. My 90 year old grandmother is the last of her generation. All her siblings and peers are gone. But she has so much wisdom to share. But, unfortunately, her health is failing and she is becoming quite frail. She is now stooped over with random musings and many of the other assumptions you list.
I encourage my daughters, her great granddaughters, to spend as much time with her as they can. I think it is important to understand past generations and always remember “where you came from.” Someday, they will appreciate it.
Janet Givens
Hello Scott and welcome. It sounds like your grandmother is fortunate to have great grandchildren in her life. Are you capturing her stories? I hope so.
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Scott
Yes Janet, we are capturing as many as we can. I am also the family genealogist and have incorporated many of them into our family history!
Sharon
When your daughter is a grandmother, you know you have entered the old age spectrum of life. 🙂
Cheers Sharon…
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Janet Givens
Hello Sharon, and welcome. If that’s your picture I saw on your website, you surely can’t be a a great grandmother. Not even a grandmother! But your comment reminded me of a saying the Kazakhs have: as long as you have a mother you are young.
Thanks for stopping by.
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kerry
What a great post. It made me think of how I consider someone to be of “old age” and I dont think I do! I miss having my grandparents around. People of that age (born early-ish 1900) had so much to tell, and for me, were one of our most strong and resilient generations. They had so much to share with us! I never ever thought of my grandparents as old. They were just interesting and funny. I am 45, so I certainly dont feel old, but I do feel that sometimes my body isnt as willing as my mind! Although, I do seem to have signed up to climb a mountain in September! This is perhaps old age nowadays haha! I enjoyed this post x
Janet Givens
Hello Kerry and Welcome. I’m glad you enjoyed the post. Thanks for adding your voice. It sounds like your grandparents were very lucky to have you. I hope you’ll return.
The Recipe Hunter
Hi Janet. First and foremost, thank you so much for leaving your link #SeniorSalon. I invite and hope your Silver friends will also participate and share their posts with us.
All I will add to all the other comments above:
Old age is not a definite biological stage, as the chronological age denoted as “old age” varies culturally and historically!
Janet Givens
Age is a social construct, indeed. A good reminder that it’s the meaning we put on that number, whatever it may be, that determines how we feel about it. And the culture we’re embedded influences us so much. Thanks for stopping by.
Carol Taylor
Great post, Janet and comments most of which I agree with but I am going to be a party pooper here I am going to be dragged kicking and screaming into old age and refuse to join any groups which refer to my old age…I have had silver in my hair and so have my sons since in my 20’s and so did my dad a family trait… I am a tad grumpy this morning..maybe you can tell…lol… I don’t wish to be reminded of my advancing years at the moment. I am sure at some stage my body will be more than happy to do that… Until then I am adding the numbers together together ..it is a fun game which my grandchilden love. My kids just put down to my advancing years but certainly don’t cut me any slack and neither to do I want them to ..Well until it suits me 🙂 x Great post 🙂 x
Janet Givens
Hello Carol
Do let us know how this works out for you. (Insert sly smile here).
Senior Salon Roundup Post: April 2 – 6, 2018 | The Recipe Hunter
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Gael Mueller
Janet, my great-grandmother died when I was 13 and she was 103. She had a weekly card game with “the girls”. None were under the age of 80. This was back in the late 50’s-early 60’s. Her grand daughter, my aunt, passed at 101. She read the newspaper every day and complained that the “old people” in her facility did not know enough to have a decent debate with them! I hope that I can follow in their footsteps. They both were ornery, intelligent women who pushed at the envelope of “womanhood”
I sometimes feel old. I can’t physically do what I could do 20 years ago. When I start to bemoan those facts of life I remember the strong women who LIVED every day of their lives. (I think I will go write about them!)
Thank you for a wonderful discussion of the issue.
Janet Givens
You’ve got good genes there, Gael. Bodes well for your own longevity. I had a great aunt (my grandmother’s aunt, actually) who lived to 104, and my mom is going strong at nearly 90, so I feel optimistic. Still, there are physical realities we must address. I’m so glad you added your voice here today.
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Jean
The first instance of ageism I can recall was when we took my husband’s 90-year-old great uncle out for lunch when I was in my 20s. He was a small man, unstooped, with a spring in his step; and his mind and sense of humour were sharp. Our server, a young woman, treated him in a condescending manner form the outset. He would respond to her with wit that went right over her head. She simply could not see past the physical evidence of his advanced age. #EsmeSalon
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Janet Givens
Hello Jean, and Welcome. How great to have had a 90-year old with such vitality in your life when young. A great lesson. When I was a child, my great-grandmother lived with us and all I remember of her is that she sat in her rocker and napped.
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Shannon Leader
I do like that Middle Age starts at 66, such optimism! Old age is most certainly a construct depending on your culture, many other cultures attribute old age with wisdom, respect and honor. You’d never see the telephone meme used. That said, there are moments when I hear myself talking like my mother about “old school” ways and I may just resemble some of those constructs you mention. Ugh…
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Janet Givens
Oh yes. I often hear my grandmother’s “in my day” coming out of my mouth. Scary. When we lived in Kazakhstan, it was quite evident that we were being honored often because of our age. It was very unsettling at first. Even when kids would give us their seats on a crowded bus — I had just as much energy as they did (then) — I felt objectified. Had to get over that one quickly. But it did make coming home a bit harder. 🙂 No one deferred to us any more. Bummer.
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Terri Lyon
Janet, this week my students are studying work motivation theories. One of the articles is on aging, adult development, and motivation. My takeaways are that as we age our fluid intelligence diminishes but our crystallized intelligence rises. Also, the way we interact with others changes as we age because of a shift in our thinking about time from “life lived from birth” to “life left until death.” Interesting stuff, but we still need more research on aging.
Janet Givens
We do indeed, Terri. I’ve not heard the distinction between “fluid intelligence” and “crystallized intelligence” before, though I do know it’s harder for the new stuff to get in there and stay, particularly if it’s connected to technology. I’m not sure I’m smitten with the last gleaning. While I admit I’m well past my “half way mark,” I wonder about thinking in terms of “life left” vs. “life lived.” And I know too many (much) older folks; I’ll have to ask them. Do my own little independent study, with an n of 7. Thanks for dropping in on this post from last year.
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Carol Taylor
Oh dear…for a number of years I have added together…My grandchildren think it is hilarious as sometimes they are older than me..my children just get that look of indulgence…haha…Currently, I am 13 and just entering my teenage years and what fun it is…I think at either end of the spectrum you can get away with soooo much…haha
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Janet Givens
What a fun idea, Carol. I used to reverse the numbers; started when I hit 40. But 45 came and I realized that wasn’t the best plan after all. I’m 7 again. This will be fun. Thank you.
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Claire Saul
What a fantastic post, Janet. My body has given in to illness and left me feeling 99 rather than 49, but I had some fantastic role models for “old age” in my grandparents & great aunt/uncles. For years my grandparents along with my gran’s brother and sister went on holiday together and the ladies could be found dancing on tables on cruise ships well into their 70s. The same great aunt took up with a toy boy when she was 80 – Doug was 78 and ran the local mobile library! They were together for 12 years, but Auntie would not move into his house insisting she wanted her space!! She only died a couple of years ago aged 102 – the last of the generation. I have always wished that my Grandad was still around now for my kids – he died in his late 80s when they were all little – as he was so knowledgable and would love their interest in politics and history. I should have listened better when I was a young adult! These days the young can be very well informed about worldly matters with the internet, but this knowledge cannot wipe out the experience of the older generations – – and there it is, I have turned into my mother! The old saying is so true though – age is just a number. Today I might feel like I’m 89, but tomorrow I’m going to wake up and be 21 again! Claire x
Janet Givens
Your aunt has become my new muse, Claire. Wish I knew more about her.
I’ve been thinking along the same lines as you when you wrote, “I should have listened better …”. Was it WC Fields who said, “youth is wasted on the young.” ?
Ahhhh, so much wisdom we now have; so little time. Thanks so much for stopping by.
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