Finding Ways to Feel Gratitude: Knowing Myself

Once we got the first MCI diagnosis, I knew that Woody would be changing. How quickly, I didn’t know, I just knew it’d come and I needed to prepare. I did what you’d expect: I began to identify and gather supportive friends and the professionals I’d need; I grieved; and I got educated.

I knew there’d be challenges; I wanted to be prepared. What I didn’t expect was how this illness would change me: my priorities, my focus, my interests. The way I spend my days, the books I’m reading, even the new friends I’m gathering all play a role in changing me. Besides Staying in The Present, here is another opportunity to feel gratitude.

Socrates said, “know thyself,” and I thought I did. I’ve had lots of therapy over the course of my life, I’ve worked twelve-step programs for over 30 years, and I’m a practicing psychotherapist myself. You’d think I’d have a pretty good sense of who I am. Well, I got to peel back another layer thanks to living with this disease.

Caring for my husband with dementia has helped me to know myself better. For example, my thirty some years of yoga, sitting meditation, and deep breathing summed me up pretty well, I thought. Until I sat in front of a jigsaw puzzle with Woody and found myself rushing in and taking over as Woody gazed slowly at the pieces.

“You must get the border set, first,” I declared. Woody had never done a crossword puzzle. What’s the hurry? I’d not noticed before this sense of urgency, coupled with the somewhat impractical belief that there is a “best way” to do most things (my way, of course) and that I’m the one (thanks to my individualistic culture) to do it. This was humbling, certainly. And important.

And so, thanks to this insidious disease, I’m learning to slow down and allow Woody to do some things badly. No, not “badly:” slowly, hesitatingly. I really must cut back on the judgment.

Excitement and joy?  Indeed. I love to learn and I am learning about dementia, the brain, and the mind. If they gave out Masters’ degrees in what I’m learning about dementia, I’d get one for sure. I find that inexplicably exciting. And, I find myself asking questions like, What is the nature of TRUTH? and Is there really a TRUE SELF?

Because I’m the caretaker, a new role for me, a role different from spouse or friend, I’m now the boss, the decision maker, the expert. The downside is that I’m no longer an equal; I don’t have a partner any longer. In the early years of our relationship we stopped being two individuals in love and became one unit, greater than either of us alone. Our wedding vows ended with “I hold my hand in your hand because together we can do what we cannot do alone.” Breaking that bond felt unthinkable, heretical. Yet, here I am.

I cherish the moments I feel grateful for this unexpected opportunity, for the moments I choose joy, and for learning about myself in ways I may never have had otherwise.

Over two years ago, I wrote, “It’s unexpectedly exciting to be at the start of something new and important. Akin to taking a new job, starting a new school, or when we went into the Peace Corps:  it’ll take time for me to learn the ropes, but I will. Eventually, I’ll be good at this.”

NEXT TIME: Surrounding Myself in Support, another two-parter (informal support and formal support). Which one will come first?